I've been trying to write, really I have, but the words won't come.
I wish I had all the answers, the smooth, expressive speech to leak out all my emotions, and have some sort of affect on someone, anyone.
The truth is I don't know what emotions I am feeling.
A couple of months back, a year maybe, I could pinpoint each emotion, each different feeling, everything. I probably wrote it down somewhere, but I've lost it. The point is it's as if all of those different emotions were pinned up to some kind of wheel, like on a game show, you know where the contestants spin the wheel to choose a category?
Well, there's my big wheel of emotions, all mixed up, but each separate. That's not the confusing part. The confusing part is when the wheel is spun; by anything that stresses me (the list is vast). Faster and faster, faster and faster. Imagine each emotion has a different colour. There'd need to be an absolute good and bad of them , but this is for imagination only, so let's not deviate.
Get this wheel in your mind and spin it. Faster. Now imagine that, say, ten thousand times faster. Yeah, you're still not at the rate my emotions changed.
After so long of this happening, I don't think the wheel has ever stilled, the colours and emotions have just merged into one continuous blur of murky brown. I've just got used to it.
Gone are the days where I could read off a list of all the emotions I felt. They're all so mixed I wouldn't be able to tell which was which if you drilled it into me with a needle.
Therefore, writing down which emotions I feel, like my therapist says, isn't quite as easy as it sounds.
I'll attempt it now.
Right now I feel..
Scared - why? I don't know
ashamed - No idea
confused - obvious
anxious, worried, sick, dulled, restless, tired, unchallenged, challenged, distracted, addicted, jealous, troubled, longing, terrified, shaky, cold, warm, separated, coagulated.
To name but a few.
That took me 45 minutes. To think of 22 adjectives. I don't know if it's normal to feel all of those at the same time, perhaps, but it still short fuses my poor dwindling brain.
I wish I had all the answers, the smooth, expressive speech to leak out all my emotions, and have some sort of affect on someone, anyone.
The truth is I don't know what emotions I am feeling.
A couple of months back, a year maybe, I could pinpoint each emotion, each different feeling, everything. I probably wrote it down somewhere, but I've lost it. The point is it's as if all of those different emotions were pinned up to some kind of wheel, like on a game show, you know where the contestants spin the wheel to choose a category?
Well, there's my big wheel of emotions, all mixed up, but each separate. That's not the confusing part. The confusing part is when the wheel is spun; by anything that stresses me (the list is vast). Faster and faster, faster and faster. Imagine each emotion has a different colour. There'd need to be an absolute good and bad of them , but this is for imagination only, so let's not deviate.
Get this wheel in your mind and spin it. Faster. Now imagine that, say, ten thousand times faster. Yeah, you're still not at the rate my emotions changed.
After so long of this happening, I don't think the wheel has ever stilled, the colours and emotions have just merged into one continuous blur of murky brown. I've just got used to it.
Gone are the days where I could read off a list of all the emotions I felt. They're all so mixed I wouldn't be able to tell which was which if you drilled it into me with a needle.
Therefore, writing down which emotions I feel, like my therapist says, isn't quite as easy as it sounds.
I'll attempt it now.
Right now I feel..
Scared - why? I don't know
ashamed - No idea
confused - obvious
anxious, worried, sick, dulled, restless, tired, unchallenged, challenged, distracted, addicted, jealous, troubled, longing, terrified, shaky, cold, warm, separated, coagulated.
To name but a few.
That took me 45 minutes. To think of 22 adjectives. I don't know if it's normal to feel all of those at the same time, perhaps, but it still short fuses my poor dwindling brain.
I think I'm going to take a break and maybe do some painting. Try and redefine some of the colours I'm missing out on perhaps. Wish me luck.
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